winter storm number nine and thoughts about where and how dogs pee.

i picked a really good year to have a renewed change of attitude towards winter.

but okay, snow . . . . . we get it.

this little number has been taped to my front door for a lot of days.

it reminds me that unless i want to go ice skating on my front stoop, i should take precaution and spend an extra minute or two negotiating (read: pole-vaulting) my way over the 3-inches of solid ice immediately outside the door.

i don’t look good in a neck brace. and yes, i’ve worn a neck brace before, so i know.

it’s days like these that i’m a little thankful i don’t have a pet. i can’t help but think about my friends and their fur children and wonder: wtf do you do when there’s a blizzard outside, a hundred feet of snow on the ground, no cleared sidewalks, and your pet has to peeeeeeeeeee???

i suppose this would be where those indoor fake grass patches come in handy. cleverly named “the potty patch.”

apparently you don’t have to change it but like every 300 uses. i’m sure that doesn’t inundate your world with all kinds of bacteria. not to mention a rancid fragrance circulating around the chosen corner of your home (don’t let the infomercials fool you. there is no such thing as “odor proof.”)

there’s no question that tier 3 is a real party in a plastic pan. walk.slowly.when.emptying. otherwise this as-seen-on-tv purchase will deem itself useless and you may as well just let your pup pee all over the floor like he or she really wanted to do in the first place.

OR (and this is by far my favorite option) you could put on your best snow suit, walk outdoors, try to maneuver this ever-so-graceful pose, and hope for the best:

[just pretend there is snow on the ground. use your imagination.]

or . . .

[and this is the least desirable option, but knock yourself out if you must]

you could run around the corner to the nearest bodega, grab a box of pampers, return home, crack a beer, sit on your couch, and wait patiently for the humane society to come knocking on your door.

do you have a cat? . . . . . . . . . well then hot damn you’re in luck.

a cat diaper with suspenders.

omfg.

this is what self medicating looks like.

hot toddies.

by definition:

they were believed to help cure the cold and flu, but the American Lung Association now recommends avoiding treating the common cold with alcoholic beverages as they cause dehydration

hey, you know what American Lung Association?? when dayquil, nyquil, and everythingelseinbetweenquil fail to offer any relief, dehydration is the least of my problems.

i say crack the jack and give it a shot.

shakes her head in dismay.

i am going to get absolutely annihilated for saying this, but i simply can’t resist.

YOU SOUTHERN WIMPS NEED TO CALM THE F%*& DOWN ! ! ! ! !

before you rip my head off . . .

#1: i am a southerner. (maybe not by mailing address anymore. but i most certainly am by blood, heart, and soul. and i pay property taxes to the state of north carolina, so there.)

#2: i love all of you.

#3: i remember what it was like to live in a region that went into full.blown.panic.mode. at the first mention of a flurry.

my hometown cancelled the whole world on monday because of the snow. the snow that didn’t even hit ground until it was practically tuesday.

i think they got like 3 inches.

everything is still shut down.

and this is what i have to say about that:

GROW A PAIR.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and THIS . . . . well, i just have no words.

i lied . . . i have words.

this is atlanta.

okay, okay so i hear it was a total “snowpacolypse” of sorts (an expression that makes me put my head in my hands . . . and keep them there.)

they are sledding.

WHAT ! ! ! ! !

if i unloaded a 3-pound bag of salt on the ground, it would look like there was more snow than that. i mean, is that double-sled run even fun? not to mention WORTH IT?

y’all need to stick to the things you’re good at like SEC football and crawfish boils and leave this winter stuff to the pros. you’re sort of embarrassing yourselves.

have fun going to school in july.

[i hope the public schools figured out that whole air conditioning phenomenon. you’ll need it.]

p.s. to atlanta: i watch the news frequently enough to know you got a lot more than this picture depicts. i saw the video of the dude ice skating on peachtree (prop for that), and i don’t for a second mean to undermine your conditions . . . but . . . it’s high time to move on.

it’s really cold in chicago.

and everywhere else, apparently.

i have found myself, over the years, spending an unhealthy amount of time being mad at winter.

like i don’t know it’s coming.

like it snuck up on me and i want to give it 4 knuckles to the face just for being a real SOB who never gave me forewarning that it was hovering on the horizon. even though it always is. like motherlovin’ clockwork.

i took a walk today to find coffee. among other things. about 20 minutes down the street, i couldn’t feel my kneecaps.

on the corner of division and something else there is a bank with one of those electronic signs that flashes back and forth between time and temperature.

it said negative 10 degrees.

celsius, i assume, although if you’d told me otherwise, i probably would have bought into it.

why does anyone refer to anything in celsius? can we stop doing that please? when was the last time you read negative 10 degrees celsius and immediately knew how cold it really was?

[nerd squads need not respond. because you will make me feel stupid.]

not that it really mattered, at all, because cold is just cold at that point, but had i found it completely necessary to figure out what had now obnoxiously peaked my curiosity level (and what the bank failed to help me out with in its watch-me-pull-the-wool-over-your-eyes-and-not-tell-you-what-i-know-you’re-dying-to-know kind of way) i would have needed do this:

[°F] = [°C] × ⁹⁄₅ + 32

yeah, okay, whatever.

regardless . . .

i think I’m gonna change my tune for a while, try it on for size, and see how it feels.

you see, there is a solution for everything.

like wearing 6 pairs of socks at a time.

and while your shoes won’t likely fit whatsoever, at least you will be able to feel the end points of your lower extremities.

which is a pretty great thing.

as a girl who spent 22 years living south of the mason-dixon line, snow was always somewhat of a novelty. something we wanted to bottle up and keep by our bedside year ‘round.

a northbound move and 2 ice-induced car accidents later (neither of which were my fault, in case you care or want to judge me for being a bad driver. which i am not.), i sorta started to see things in a different light. snow was the enemy after the initial bliss moments of untouched front yards, when it then settled in as nothing more than a royal.pain.in.my.ass.

not to mention dirty.

[say no to yellow.]

yesterday i ventured out to the walgreens around the corner to make a run for some electrolytes – in what appeared to be a blizzard even though by all real accounts it probably wasn’t. i have no background in meteorology. i haven’t a clue how much of the white stuff has to fall and how quickly it has to do so to constitute being a blizzard.

upon returning to the defrost setting of an indoor temperature which hovered right around cozy, my friend and host asked me “now how miserable was that?” . . . to which i replied, “it was actually really nice. it’s quiet and peaceful in the snow.” (to which he then replied “well, yeah, because no one is going outside!!” . . . which was true.)

but please note the change of tune. because that is the point of the diddy.

my dad (also known as father joe. even though his name is not joe. or anything remotely resembling joe. it’s tommy.) has this saying that he pulls out from time to time. and by time to time, i mean all the time:

“if you can’t stand the pain, get out of the rain.”

now i don’t really know what that means. and it’s entirely possible that he just likes it because it rhymes.

but i guess what it means to me is this:

until i purchase that second home in the south pacific for retreat purposes between the months of november and march, i should just get over it.

love the cold. embrace the cold. be friends with the cold.

and buy more socks.