time zones are stupid.

even if you are only one hour behind me.

still stupid.

DO IT FOR YOUR DAWGS. and do it for the hometown, too.

i’ve known john isner since i was like zero years old. the isners were my next door neighbors growing up, our dads went to davidson together, and his brother was the first boy i ever saw naked…and also the first boy i ever took a bath with (SCANDAL). easy, killers. we were like 3.

as he moves into the quarterfinals of the us open, the hometown might just come unglued. not unlike the time he spent 3 days playing the same match at wimbeldon last year. (OHMYGOD DID YOU SEE THAT??)

and the bulldogs are pretty stoked, too.

at his match the other day, Double D asked me if watching john play on such a large stage is surreal. not any more surreal than it is seeing his likeness splattered across giant billboards.

yay isner. and yay fountains.

a reservation for heartbreak.

i’m not expecting this to be the most fun i’ve ever had, but i’m expecting it to be the 2nd most important visit i’ve made down there.

and i’m going alone.

i think it’s the only way to do it.

 

[p.s. who (WHO) has one-THOUSAND eight-hundred and seventy UNREAD e-mails?? how is this even possible? there’s probably some good shit in there i’ve missed . . .]

[p.p.s. i’ll pay someone to go through these e-mails for me. for reals. and with my account password, you’ll have carte blanche to read all my personal goods, too. knock yourself out. make a day of it.]

[p.p.p.s. i’m actually not kidding. someone out there has enough free time and wants this job. so whoever you are . . . CALL ME. i might even bake you something.]

a how-to guide for surviving an earthquake and a hurricane in the same week.

buy tequila.

buy ice.

(for your tequila. or also in case you lose power and need to put your refrigerator contents in a cooler for an indefinite period of time. but mostly for the tequila.)

buy paper products and bottled water.

(no one wants to be stranded without tp. if i need to explain this to you, then you deserve to be stranded without tp. the water if for hydrating post-tequila and for brushing your teeth when you lose the ability to consume your tap water. which is apparently still unsafe to consume. so i’m boiling pots of water like it’s my job and buying stock in poland spring.)

make some eggs. eggs? eggs.

(while complaining to mom that there aren’t a lot of non-perishable food items that belong outside the junk food and junk food categories, she suggested i make some hard boiled eggs and keep them on ice should i lose power. so now i have a refrigerator full of eggs.)

fill your tub with water.

(this was news to me, but apparently you’re supposed to do it. so i did it.)

buy more tequila.

(and don’t bother with upgrading to patron or anything fancy. your buddy jose will do just fine. you’ll be pummeling it at such a rapid pace that you won’t even know the difference. plus you can’t be high maintenance in the same moment that your windows are about to be blown out.)

other than that, alls you can do is sit. and. wait.

(and prepare to be slightly underwhelmed and wonder why everyone thought it would be so epically apocolyptic.)

OH. and one more thing.

to everyone out there who thinks that these 2 events are a sign of the end of days.

bitch please.

earthquakes and hurricanes have been happening since the dawn of time. and probably before that.

UMM HELLO, DINOSAURS.

hurricane provisions are not universal.

only the last 2 text bubbles are of importance.

i’ll let you decide if you think i’m the white bubble or the green.

(hint: i’m the green.)

this won’t be good.

God bless us in new york city.

and God bless my carolina.

i found my 5th reason.

 

T H I S stresses me out.

they look like transformers.

Uga I, II, III, IV, V, VI, and VII must be rolling over in their doggie graves.

fortunately it’s just for one game (right?) . . . we’re too classy of a team for this nonsense.

now excuse me while i go drape myself in a flag and pretend i didn’t see this.

go dawgs.