a how-to guide for surviving an earthquake and a hurricane in the same week.

buy tequila.

buy ice.

(for your tequila. or also in case you lose power and need to put your refrigerator contents in a cooler for an indefinite period of time. but mostly for the tequila.)

buy paper products and bottled water.

(no one wants to be stranded without tp. if i need to explain this to you, then you deserve to be stranded without tp. the water if for hydrating post-tequila and for brushing your teeth when you lose the ability to consume your tap water. which is apparently still unsafe to consume. so i’m boiling pots of water like it’s my job and buying stock in poland spring.)

make some eggs. eggs? eggs.

(while complaining to mom that there aren’t a lot of non-perishable food items that belong outside the junk food and junk food categories, she suggested i make some hard boiled eggs and keep them on ice should i lose power. so now i have a refrigerator full of eggs.)

fill your tub with water.

(this was news to me, but apparently you’re supposed to do it. so i did it.)

buy more tequila.

(and don’t bother with upgrading to patron or anything fancy. your buddy jose will do just fine. you’ll be pummeling it at such a rapid pace that you won’t even know the difference. plus you can’t be high maintenance in the same moment that your windows are about to be blown out.)

other than that, alls you can do is sit. and. wait.

(and prepare to be slightly underwhelmed and wonder why everyone thought it would be so epically apocolyptic.)

OH. and one more thing.

to everyone out there who thinks that these 2 events are a sign of the end of days.

bitch please.

earthquakes and hurricanes have been happening since the dawn of time. and probably before that.

UMM HELLO, DINOSAURS.

hurricane provisions are not universal.

only the last 2 text bubbles are of importance.

i’ll let you decide if you think i’m the white bubble or the green.

(hint: i’m the green.)

this won’t be good.

God bless us in new york city.

and God bless my carolina.

i found my 5th reason.

 

T H I S stresses me out.

they look like transformers.

Uga I, II, III, IV, V, VI, and VII must be rolling over in their doggie graves.

fortunately it’s just for one game (right?) . . . we’re too classy of a team for this nonsense.

now excuse me while i go drape myself in a flag and pretend i didn’t see this.

go dawgs.

preseason stresses me out and here's why.

1. it signifies the dying of my summer. this is not something i take lightly or handle well.

2. it signifies the birth of a 16+ week span of time where i basically just hold my breath. also something i don't handle well.

tres. (that's "3" in spanish) it means i get to watch someone else own plaxico. and i want plaxico.

4. it reminds me that for a really lengthy amount of time, i'll harbor a solid sense of hatred for the entire state of florida (or maybe just the university of. jesus, marcy. relax.) and hope that someone (anyone) nukes it off the face of the universe.

5. i don't think i have a fifth reason. although i may after tonight. check back later.

Location:east rutherford.

real girls eat processed mexican food.

best decision i made all day: eating taco bell for breakfast.

worst decision i made all day: eating taco bell for breakfast.

* * *

post script: once upon a time, my friend stephanie told me, “i want to set you up with my friend. his name is burrito.”

huh.…ummm.…uhhh….okay.

although i never dated him and only ever met him once for about 11 minutes, i almost wanted to reply with a resounding “yes, please. where do i sign?” just so i could have the opportunity to drop a “hey, this is my boyfriend, burrito” at weddings and family reunions.

i mean, how seriously awesome would that really be.

it’s pink floyd on a boat y’all.

i could have fit in with the 70’s scene, i’m sure of it.

minus the bell-bottoms and drug-induced comas.

[don’t like bell-bottoms and don’t like seeing pink elephants on the wall. unless, of course, there are real live pink elephants on the wall. then i most definitely want to see that.]

and minus the free sex in public with random strangers.

[not elaborating on this.]

and minus vietnam.

[oh wait . . .]

okay so maybe i just like pink floyd on a boat and i’ll leave it at that and be proud i was born in the 80’s.

i don’t do drugs anyway.

[unless you consider the plethora of unisom and tylenol pm i have stashed in my medicine cabinet as “drug use.” then, yes. i am a pill-popping lunatic.]

 

topgun and oldest younger brother took their maiden concert cruise by storm.

as if a mckenzie would do it any other way.

she lifts her skirt up to her knees, walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing.

certain things [of late. and other things of not so late] make me want to move to the middle of america and do something so incredibly humble.

like build fences. or harvest strawberries.

do they harvest strawberries in the middle of america??

i hope so.

vanity fair a’int too shabby a place to have your name dropped.

this is a satisfying moment. nothing like an opening weekend, but satisfying nonetheless. this particular page-turning event is, perhaps, a wee bit more exciting than usual because it was unexpected. in between books and longing for semi-mindless poolside reading, i bought this vanity fair primarily because i’d read everything else out there.

[and when i say “i’d read everything else” let me clarify that by saying i’d read People Magazine and US Weekly and THAT is where i draw the line on tabloid trash. i simply will not subject myself to National Enquirer’s celebrity cellulite coverage or OK Magazine’s report on Katie Holmes’ latest pregnancy rumor. for fuck’s sake, how many times in a 6-month period can that girl get knocked up??]

reading this article, i am immediately taken back to a coffee shop in williamsburg when ‘pariah’ was not much more than a dream and a script. three of us sat there together on that saturday morning: myself (brought in as a consultant to the film), the director (written about in VF) and the producer (who is totally rad). we drank hipster blends of organic coffee and drew up plans of how we could think outside the box and create something out of almost nothing. there was no money. there were no a-list stars (except for Spike Lee who, at that point, was only loosely attached as an executive producer. and who, as it turns out, is a rockstar.)

there was hope and there was determination.

‘pariah’ got made. it got sent to sundance. it blew a lot of minds. and it’s coming to a theater near you.

this is every independent filmmaker’s dream come true.

it’s the gold medal. the triple crown. the superbowl ring.

it’s the number one reason we put up with the long and irregular hours. it’s why, after 16 hours on set, we come home and continue to work. it’s why we deal with bullshit and deal with it well. it’s why we’re okay with swallowing our pride and swallowing it hard. it’s why we know how to define insanity because we stare it in the face multiple times a day. it’s why we aren’t afraid of doing things that seem impossible and probably are. it’s why no one understands how we do what we do and do it without breaking. it’s why we are able to smile at the world when we have, in fact, been broken.

and one more thing:

jennifer lopez’s boobs look amazing.

this is special.

as if i wasn’t already mad enough at starbucks.

no seriously, what am i supposed to do with that.

things that float.

boats on the hudson.

and me on the delaware.

life jackets are pretty awesome and allow you to embrace lengthy bouts of laziness in situations where treading water (or standing. i mean, i was in all of 3 feet of water for crying out loud.) requires more of an effort than you are willing to spend.

the whole keeping one’s head above water thing is also rather useful in the event that you pass out from too much heat or too much laziness.

double bonus.

unrelated and somewhat irrelevant: i saw ryan gosling’s new flick ‘crazy, stupid, love’ today and since i know him personally, i can tell you with certainty that, yes, he is absolutely that good looking in person. i doubt you find that shocking.

this is something i truly appreciated for the first time as i walked around brooklyn with him under a shared umbrella in the pouring rain for about an hour.

told you my chosen career has its perks.

making friends with super hot movie stars is one of them.

strolling with them under umbrellas is another.