to whom it may concern.

this is exactly how my strong-worded letter is going to begin. the one i’m going to write as soon as absolutely possible.

i have a family member who writes letters to everybody. and by everybody, i mean E.V.E.R.Y.B.O.D.Y.

he writes letters to people who piss him off. he writes letters to people who provide him with good customer service. he writes letters to members of the board. which board? any board. even boards he is not associated with. as long as they have a mailing address, BAM they get a letter.

he wrote a letter to Wendy’s once for making the most perfect hamburger. true story.

and when he can’t write a letter to the jackass who cuts him off while he cruises down the street in his top-down benz, then he just follows them around town. sometimes for hours. sometimes with a bat. sometimes not. (also a true story) ‘cause nothing screams I MEAN BUSINESS like a senior citizen tailgating you through the rich part of town in an overpriced german automobile with the wind blowing through his hair.

thug life.

i’m writing my letter to the first category of lucky letter receivers: the ones who piss me off. this particular letter is going to the employer (read: scary boss who owns your life) of this guy i have had the sincere misfortune of working with dealing with putting up with for the last 3 months.

and “to whom it may concern” just seems snarky.

and snarky is exactly what i want to be.

not always. not even ever. but for this occasion, i will make an exception.

and then i plan on making a voodoo doll and stabbing it repeatedly with safety pins.

big ones.

like the ones that hold kilts together.