betty ford, eat your heart out.

the learning channel has this show called “my strange addiction.”

holy wow.

there was a marathon edition airing the other day and i found myself sitting indian style on the floor thisclose to the television, setting so many DVR recordings that my TV went into overdrive and flashed one of those warnings that went like this:

“hey, babe. your DVR is almost at capacity and it would be a shame to not have space left over for something equally ridiculous like, say, the bachelor or jersey shore. just a heads up.”

the warning really should have read something like this:

“YOU CRAZY BITCH, YOU ARE ABOUT TO MAXIMIZE YOUR LIFE WITH 300 HOURS OF PEOPLE DOING STUPID SHIT THAT GOES AGAINST ANY AND ALL LAWS OF REASON AND SANITY! WALK AWAAAAYYYYY!!!!!”

but of course i didn’t.

instead, i spent waytoomuchtime watching some crazy chick eating couch cushions.

would you like a side of sweet baby rays with that??

she has eaten 7 couches.

s-e-v-e-n couches. COUCHES.

DOESN’T ANYONE NOTICE THAT THEIR FURNITURE IS MISSING?!?!?!

and then i watched this girl cramming her stomach full of pottery and cigarette ashes.

just wash it back with some bourbon. no one will notice that you just licked the bottom of an ashtray and it might take the edge off that burning sensation that indicates your esophagus is ON FIRE!!

i’m adding this to the list of shows i want to intend to work on.

let me know if you want tag along on one of the shoot days. i’ll need a good assistant standing by with a catheter as i try and control the urge not to pee all over myself.

[p.s. i don’t mean to sound insensitive to the subject of addiction. i know how very real it is. this is just my off-the-cuff reaction to watching someone chew on flower pots and cigarette ash all day long. i.mean.come.on.]