help. i don’t know what you’re talking about.

i’m in the middle of trying to close a multi-million dollar movie deal.

sweet?

yes.

but here’s the problem . . .

since the invention of text messaging, we have all but absolved the need to do business by means of real communication.

you know, the kind that uses words.

[and how dare anyone request a face-to-face. i mean, what?]

i have spent the better part of the last few weeks trying to decode text messages which are RIDDLED with typos and misprints and grammatical fuckups and symbols which mean nothing to no one.

and honestly?

i haven’t a f*&%ing clue what anyone is talking about anymore.

PICK UP THE PHONE ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

[and i bet this old school samsung flip-phone doesn’t unintentionally 3-way call randomly selected people in my address book in-the-middle-of-the-night-by-accident (who i haven’t talked to in a decade or more. awkward.) because it’s not a product of apple and sure to ruin my day at some point or another. nope. bet it doesn’t do that.]

can you just call me?

otherwise, you keep on sending me hieroglyphics and i’ll keep on assuming you are on drugs, or drunk, or uneducated, or lazy, or blind.