ikea should consider paying me for this plug.

when i first moved out of college-living-is-cheap and catapulted myself into an overpriced existence that includes stifling rent figures and utility bills which add up annually to a sticker price of just about enough to send a kiddo to the university of their choice, i did what any rational person would do:

i went to ikea.

ikea is a mecca of reasonably inexpensive furniture that can usually pass as good, and sometimes as great.

but inexpensive comes with a catch. you have to assemble it yourself. putting that shit together is like sailing around cape horn; you have absolutely no idea what you’re getting yourself into, but you can bet your last dollar on the fact that it a’int gonna be fun. or sane.

booze helps. although in the same breath, i can’t honestly suggest cracking so much as a 10-ounce beer during the assembly process because if you have even the hint of a buzz on, all bets are off and you’ll end up with a coat rack instead of a bookcase.

they give you an enormous box of wood (in 14 billion pieces), a tiny piece of paper with 3 illustrations on it, and a midget-size excuse for an allen wrench, and leave you to your own devices.

[helpful hint: don’t attempt this assembly process with a boyfriend. or a girlfriend. you will break up. ikea assembly has been the root cause of many relationship meltdowns worldwide.]

fast forward to completion of the entertainment cabinet unit (or whatever you want to call it, and which is still missing one of its 2 doors . . . a sad reality you will face with absolute certainty when you realize you missed a critical step along the way, but certainly can’t go back and undo the 17 hours of hard labor you just put into your new masterpiece) and the coffee table (which was fairly easy, by ikea standards, to bring to fruition), i had completed furnishing the abode. for the time being.

the coffee table.

ohh the coffee table.

the 22” x 46” surface, home to countless dance parties and other late-night antics.

[and here’s where my endorsement check should roll in]

BEST.INVESTMENT.OF.ALL.TIME.

for the following reasons:

#1: it’s nice looking in a very simplistic no-frills kind of way.

#2: it goes with anything. so when you move, feel free to drag it along to your next digs.

#3: it’s practical – with 6 cubby holes which i suppose are intended for magazines or random stuff you want to hide in there.

#4: it’s as sturdy as one of those thoroughbreds you see in all the budweiser commercials.

#5: it can hold the weight of 4 people at once, maybe more, without so much as a wobble

#6: you can have it situated in your home for many years and it still looks like new, despite the fact that you beat the hell out of it. regularly.

#7: it won’t break your bank and leaves plenty of room in your checking account for other investments such as automobiles or vacations in the tropics.

#8: it’s an excellent platform for serenades and sing-alongs when you feel the need to be on a stage.

dear ikea executives: feel free to contact me directly for your next ad campaign. i am available for public appearances and performances. need me to kiss some babies? sure, why not.

dear everybody else: drop by ikea next time you have an entire free day to spend perusing one of their 9 million square-foot facilities. and another whole free day (or two) to spend putting together stuff that you probably don’t need but might.

you can even buy pots and pans there.